blog (:

moved!

2011-02-20T18:40:00.000-08:00

Have moved here (:

June and my life

2008-06-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

Back!

Haha really need to sweep the cobwebs that are strewn all over this blog.. Thought I'd give this an update because of the many things that have happened in the recent weeks (: Shall go in backward order..

Macap Umboo trip - Things didn't really go off well during the planning stage, especially what with our busy schedules, the wake up call from Mrs Koh, the scoldings we've had. It's really been great being in kids committee, felt this very strong feeling of nostalgia when we left the village on the second day. Although our interaction with them was in essence less than 10 hours, it has been a good experience seeing them enjoy the lessons we've planned for them. I really hope the Orang Asli children will go on getting education, gaining "hope, joy and love" from their daily lives, braving the zinc roofs during the rainy season.. And like what we were saying during our talks at night, I'll really miss the J2s when they're gone. It's been great knowing them on the trip, having them around knowing they'll be around to take care of things, getting inspired by their enthusiasm, and just enjoying the cheer they bring to every one(:

CCAL camp - It's good getting a tan under the sun? Haha can see that the PE dept really put in quite a bit of effort planning, and trying to link all the activities with leadership concepts. I think leaders really emerge out of context, but each of us really needs to have a stake in whatever we do, a sense of ownership rather than mere passive reliance/ dependence. I enjoyed mangrove planting very much (not sure if we're really helping the environment though the plants look quite out of place where we planted them, like some random bunch of random shoots sticking out into the river). Overall, it was a good time going on this camp with the B2 buddies (:

Harmoc - I believe we can do it ((: Really have to fight for time, fight for conductor hours, fight to improve. It worries me how we might really be lacking in experience, knowledge about the harmoc and its techniques of playing, but let's take it one step at a time. I know each of us can excel on our instrument, be proud of it, be proud of ourselves. Let's take the move towards our goal. Don't worry you Sharon!

It's the June Holidays, although it hardly feels like it having roamed around our neighbouring countries for the past week, and seeing all the funny little stuff to come that are potentially going to steal time off my study schedule. I know I need to study, and I must make sure I really study hard for this coming CTs. For some reason, I really miss learning, speaking and writing in Chinese (so much for not being a jiakantang sigh) Perhaps if time permits, I'll try reading a nice little Chinese book off from my father's bookshelves (:

Jiayou everyone! Till the next time, take care (:
(Looking forward to Cadenza and meeting my juniors again!)

RJ life

2008-02-07T08:10:00.001-08:00

Oh my gosh Sharon Tan what are you doing bingeing on CNY goodies? Rahh I need to start exercising control before I collapse during the -cough- rather intensive (what an understatement) PE lessons, the next of which happens to fall on this coming Monday ><

Things have been going well at RJ.. There are many many people (OG, class, old buddies) I need to thank for making the transition a generally smooth and enjoyable one (: Thank you for keeping me company, ranting about stressful lives together, celebrating my birthday, collectively trying to evade PE by refusing to change out until right after Chem Practs (that always end late hahaha! oops) I hope things keep up the way they have been, or even move a notch up the life fulfillment scale (:

Perhaps there will be many things that I'll miss from being in band, for one I know definitely that I'll miss my very dear batchmates and SBM, and the seniors who really cared and are still caring; I am sincerely remorseful towards my direct/junior for not being able to be there for them at React this year. But I believe in and will stand by my choice, because my rational mind attempted calculating the emotional costs of either choice, and my conclusion really is to start all afresh. I asked her one day about it, and she said, "since I've laid my choice to join ___, I just put myself into the ___ mode and not care so much about the rest", indeed life has no regrets, there's no point looking back at what I've let go of.

I am responsible for my life. I can see the bountiful opportunities that the school is providing us, and I want to grab hold of them Haha for some reason my mind conjures this image of strong yet light and beautiful gusts of wind blowing towards me as I try to reach out to catch them. It's a pretty sight, a pretty feeling, one that makes me happy and alive (:

On a more serious note, my academics have yet to attain their potential, and much more focus and drive shall be dedicated to their development. It is myself that I'm challenging today.

To be honest, I have no inkling when the next time will come for me to blog again, but till then here's wishing all of you a very happy chinese new year (: All the very best of luck, health, happiness and prosperity in the (quote MargaretZhang) err RODENT year to come! :D Bao3zhong4!

Sharon is off to realizing her dreams.

Farewell

2007-09-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'm updating here as promised (:

Hm it puzzles me how I was so deeply fascinated by this blogging business in sec 1, and now I take ages to come to this "create a post" page. Papa was talking about addictions yesterday night. What makes an addict an addict? Does being an addict say in computer games necessarily translate into higher chances of becoming an addict in other undesirable fields like gambling? The theory is that this all boils down to one's overall innate attitude and determination. There was some quote on the newspaper or Newsweek that says what differentiates a shopaholic from a thrifty person is that both consume products, but the latter has a sense of guilt thereafter which lasts twice as long as that of the former. Haha! Hmm how then do you help somebody who's lost in some addiction? 1) Nag every day and constantly watch out for/ prevent the person from sinking into a bottomless pit/ regretting it in future, or 2) Allow the person to experience a hard fall, thereby achieving self-awareness or enlightenment, and inner motivation to overcome the addiction. My parents advocate and practice 1), but I believe in 2), although you'll never know how harsh that hard fall has to be, or when it will come, and there is no guarantee that seeing the light = eternal determination sufficient to overcome addiction.

Band
Hm as this is a totally random day to blog about Farewell, not right after or 1 month anniversary or anything, I guess feelings have perhaps cooled a little to give way to thought.
"It's been 4 long years and batch 07's gone"
Somehow the sentence keeps ringing in my head (~~and is probably the only sentence of our chopchop-pieced-together-minutes-before-the-performance song that I really remember :O~~). It's really been a long long time, not in terms of time scale, but in terms of feeling and experience. Hm someone once said sad times always seem to pass slower than happy days. Perhaps all the ups and downs have really made me feel rather um old in band >< Band is perhaps the only one to date that has made and can make me go wild with emotions, unrestrained by self-censorship. I guess the consequences are like a double-edged sword (urgh terrifying english lessons! haha), some really painful, but I'm grateful for them because they have jolted me awake from my nutshell encapsulating dreamland ><

After passing this journey, perhaps the best advice I can leave for the future batches to come is that what matters is not how far away you are from your ideals, but how much you can and have progressed within the boundaries set by the external environment. In other words, just make the best out of whatever conditions that befall upon you (: I see struggles up and coming, reminiscent of us just a year ago, but I'm sure very soon you'll find your own niche/ working style, and glide your way to success! (: And yes may I add to remember to leave no one behind. It's with humility that we understand everyone has the potential to excel; it's just a matter of our choice and priorities at the point in time.

Thank you to all who have shared this band life with me; Thank you mybatch!, Samantha, Alicia, directs (both up and down), Rachel, immediate and not so immediate batches with whom we've shared days under the same rgssb umbrella. And special dedication goes to Euphoria, ie all the euphos that I have played since sec 1 (I sincerely apologize for unofficially giving all of you the same name :P)

I happened to see this when I logged on to MSN's homepage: "Opera star Luciano Pavarotti dies at 71". In 1961, Pavarotti won a local voice competition and with it a debut as Rodolfo in Puccini’s “La Boheme.”

Rings a bell?

Goodbye Rgssb.
Your name has just started a fresh page in my memories of love(:

Work harder, Go Sharon!

2007-05-30T03:46:00.000-07:00

Natural abilities are like natural plants; they need pruning by study.

There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.

Without haste, but without rest. - Goethe

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. - Newt Gingwich

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

When written in Chinese the word crisis is composed to two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity. -Kennedy :)

Believe that man will not merely endure; he will prevail. -William Faulkner

2007-05-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

I don't dare to wear the clothes that I wore when my grandpa left, because I'm afraid someone else may just go.

When I was younger, I used to wonder how life would be like without my grandparent/s.

And now to wonder, it's been one week since he was gone.

It's a weird feeling, as though I've lost something that's been there all through my life. Part of my conscience tells me he's not there anymore, and never will be. Yet part of my mind keeps wandering around in this surreal state of things, hearing the chantings and bells revolve around my ears, praying, walking behind him as he made his last trip around the neighbourhood before heading towards Mandai, watching the coffin advance into the furnace.

I remember the time I was beaten up by my mum at my grandparents house. Only my grandpa sat there quietly watching me cry, asking me to go eat with the rest. I don't know how to phrase this in the best way possible, but that's how my grandpa showed his care, subtly through his actions. His classic way was to pass us presents with a "na", and look away/ say nothing more. I miss his booming "Happy new year"s during the days he was fitter.

Tuesday, my dad was telling us about my grandfather's past. Imagine having to drop out of primary 3, because your distant relative doesn't want to sponsor you anymore. And this in spite (or perhaps because) of you topping the class every year (henceforth outshining your relatives' child). Beaten up at 10 years old? Working in a factory as an apprentice at 12? My grandpa used to ask whether we tak cek ho bo (studies are good). Ah gong, tak cek bui ho, but from today onwards, I'll try harder, try harder to fulfill your uncompleted dreams.

(Please pardon my terrible Hokkien)

My grandpa was one strong man. With 10% of his heart beating, he was still walking around (miraculously according to the doctor). Death must be a form of release for him. No more hardened intestines, no more tuberculosis, no more vomiting after eating, no more panadol to ease pain every night, no more operations to change his aorta. Ah.

On the day of cremation, my aunt told us he secretly kept the birthday card we made for him under his pillow, and looked through it every night before he went to bed. That was the last card I could ever make for my grandpa. Last thing I could do to make him happy. We visited him just the night before he left. Some intuitive feeling told me to turn around and look at my grandpa one more time before I left, but I never did. But I'm glad I left him with a smile, and he left us with one strong handwave of goodbye -- the last good-bye.

Ah gong, I'm proud, really, to be your granddaughter...

Or perhaps, to have been your granddaughter.

:)

syf 2007

2007-04-15T00:34:00.002-07:00

This is from my diary, written two years ago.

"We didn't get into presentation... Our greatgranddirects' wish is still unfulfilled. I must force myself to practise harder, 2 years down the road... RGSSB conquers!
May these memories of my 1st SYF last forever."

Harsh cold reality.

The stone cast started chipping off when they came back and comforted us, and wrote somewhere that they are still proud of us. Thank you for showering us that unwavering power of love and shelter. Thank you for bringing alive the feeling off loving the band freely and wholeheartedly (without being criticized and stopped by others for being a psychic).

We've let you down, indeed. I'm sorry I never found the way to overcome the barriers, and never could put in my real best whilst trying to go around the barriers. Determinism? I don't know, but I can't find another explanation for the stone cast.

Perhaps one day, dreams will come true, and I'll come back to see the entire band putting in a strong, true, pure unweathered heart into the highest goal for SYF. One day I'll come back to see eyes gleaming with desire again.

And I hope that one day will be in 2009.
Dearest directs, I hope you mean it when you say you want to get back that gwh. I hope you say it with conviction, because every single part of your heart feels for it. I have faith in yall to pull together everyone and fight to climb back, because you are OUR directs.

And to my junior, keep trying keep going. Nobody is going to stop you if you tell yourself you can't stop. Do nothing but your best and I'll come back to see you loving the band, dreaming for the band, putting in effort for the band, much much more than I could or did. You can do it, and we'll be behind you all the way (:

RGSSB.
You'll always be alive in our hearts and minds.

I love you batch07.
Nothing beats going through everything together (:
Thank you Mr Oura (:
And thank you to the other batches (i seriously mean this) that went for in for syf together with us. We know and appreciate your heart and effort, no matter the size.

Oh yes and may we please lend our counting god to rimb tmr haha >< All the best and don't let him down yea!

(I wonder if anybody will read this entry really since my blog has been left alone for really quite sometime (haha what an understatement), but to the gods up there if you're listening, my deepest wish is for those barriers to disappear, and be replaced by support and positive pressure, so that rgssb can really concentrate and focus on our dreams, and not get caught up in the same spot over again. Thank you)

PS Happy bee(re)lated birthday GL! :D

2007-01-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

心中有一股热流怎么也冲洗不掉，很难受。

Band-y stuff

2007-01-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

The euphonium has an extensive range, from far below the bass clef to F six ledger lines above or even higher in professional hands, though B-flat four ledger lines above the staff is an average cutoff for intermediate players. taken from wikipedia.org
Ohohohono.

Can't figure out why the band looks so good in the picture?
Discovery Number:
1) They have no stands! which means they practically memorize their score(s), supposing that they are really playing and not merely posing for the picture. For the first row, the stands have been substituted with chairs?! The conductor doesn't have a stand either.
2) The sit 1/3 of the chair rule is in good effect (: Their posture is relatively good too (straight back etc).
And it doesn't help knowing that this Ohgashiwa Elementary School Band (roughly ages 9-12) has recorded El Camino Real, Impressions of Japan, Armenian Dances Part I etc.

Now just where do we stand? And where do we want to stand with our stands?

Anw with regards to the "shoot for the moon, and if you fail you'll fall upon the stars" saying, um when was there a theory about the moon being positioned above the stars? :P

Desire

2006-12-28T23:00:00.000-08:00

Just got back from RWinds concert.

Desire, desire to get the standard up up up there.

People used to tell me that my emotions tend to run ahead of my brain. But I think my emotions are running together with my brain now.

Fears

2006-12-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

Attacking the problem is less hurting than attacking the person. Perhaps taking out one faulty component of the person's personality reinforces the idea that people possess qualities, rather than that a person is made up of his/ her behaviour. So we all still have many other strengths to count even with this faulty part that can be extracted and corrected. Actually perhaps if you have a person's best interest in mind, you'd think about how they'll feel and find ways to soften the blow that might come down on them. So as commonly said, the key is to care about the other person's feelings by putting on their shoes.

Anw yesterday was the last day of work. Back to studies now (:

I was watching triumph to the skies yesterday night. tian1 xia4 mei2 you3 bu2 san4 zhi1 yan2 xi2 indeed. 2 weeks of work, mostly out of office but some in the organization itself too, and plus division christmas lunch and gift exchange yesterday. I'm learning basic things with regards to attitude that are crucial, especially how sustained positivity and enthusiasm is important when you have to drag your own tired body to work after the weekends. Hopefully I can apply that when I get back to school haha!

Fresh start 09/12/06

2006-12-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

It's a fresh start (:

Hopefully a fresh new look will mean a fresh new method of self introspection, and a fresh approach to life.

Hm fresh is a nice word, because it doesn't denote that past blemishes are forgotten, just wiped off cleanly and more thoroughly. I guess kuan1 rong2 is the best word to carry through life, because despite man's imperfections and all, we still learn how to get on, and attempt to cleanse ourselves to become better people.

Moving on..
I thought my walk-the-entire-ECP nightmare was the last of its kind, but apparently not. Haha my new wep entails walking around different GRCs each day, and feeling elated when I finally see that plot of grass that's marked out on the map :P Tiring yes, but to think of it in the positive light, it's really a lot of practical lessons on speed map-reading and frantic shuffling of bus guide pages. Besides, its good to tour parts of Spore that were unknown to me before.

I can't recall the exact terms that Ms Zanele Makina used (at the convention), but here's what she said: "Always look into your good points when others try to put you down". It may sound odd and un-humbling at first, but when it comes to a critical time when such a situation crashes into the way, all you want and need is to think positive. My mum has been relentlessly driving into me how much better it might have been to be in the legal dept for wep instead, relaxing in the office and learning about macma like chuan but oh well what good will regret do to my performance on the current job? I shouldn't feel that I've lost out somehow in comparison with others, but rather gained in comparison with my past.

I dreamt yesterday night that Sweena came back from Taiwan and demanded why I hadn't done anything about RS ><, which is why I am seriously going to work on it now..

Inunion 06

2006-11-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

Quote my grandma, "nu3 li4 shi4 zui4 zhong4 yao4 de (hardwork is the most important)".

Why should we lack?
What do we lack?
(we shall overcome the "why do we lack" reproach :) )

Thank you for yesterday.
The time has come for us to link hands and start on this great fight forward and ahead.

Loss

2006-10-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

Niceness isn't everything.
Sometimes, discipline barriers just make the whole system more meaningful and interesting. Missed the times when it was so much hard work put into practising just to earn a grin or smile from seniors. I wish the word nice will just disappear from our new system, and be replaced by respect, fear, gratitude, and subtle love and care. Hate the feeling of real motivation coming back only when I see my leaps paper and recall all the toil and sweat, tears and hope.
Niceness (sometimes) belongs to a hedonistic egoist, perhaps a person who selfishly tries to clean his/ her heart of evil, and elevate one's status by becoming an altruistic person.
To contain one's stature even if you desperately want to offer a hug, to remain distant yet respectable.
That's true greatness.

tian1 xia4 wu2 bu2 san4 zhi1 yan2 xi2
Hate the helplessness of seeing good things slipping through one's fingers, and being lost with time.
Haha one end needs to open up, whilst the other end needs to be closed, how ironic.

Behaviour

2006-09-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

Suppose this sums up what I've been thinking about these days. Direction? The light blue route is the one I think I'm treading. Haha okay the rest is up to one's own deduction. (:

Self-introspection

2006-09-01T10:26:00.002-07:00

It's painful to have stepped on sb else's toes before. Hm once bitten, twice shy? ~~It's painful because one can never trust how revengeful women can be after being hurt.~~ It's painful because you know people sometimes rely on hearsays rather than their own logic and experiences to pass judgements. In essence I don't know how to respond appropriately. :/

Was reading their blog, and their comment on their blog. My instantaneous response was bitter, thought they should be prepared to get a scolding from us for disrespect.. Until I recalled what sb said abt us being hated by others because we are not able to talk nicely to those below us even after the strict discipline practices, unlike others. Started thinking a little more logically, and I realized I probably don't even know what role I'm supposed to take on. Reminds me of SS how I've failed to even mark my boundaries, although I'd like to be defined by my behavioural patterns in my social surroundings, or social identity.

It's a wonder how I haven't been thinking seriously about life since dropping lit last year. Haha I seem to be avoiding passages of words and poems now, rather focussing on the realities of life; going with the flow of society's practicalities. Implement system A, Problem-solving B, Plan C hah maybe things will work this way? But if we never go down to the strings and roots that tug at people's emotions, I guess things will never work out as perfectly. Haha ironically putting emotion in this way actually equivates it to being part of achieving a master practical goal -- building relationships.
Tolerance, Sensitivity, Humility. Think I have much to improve, but I think the practical ideal goal approach still works best for me (:

Happy teacher's day (also dedicated to my mother) !
(and sorry for such a schizo blog post haha)

farewell 06

2006-08-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

Farewell's officially over. Hm our time to step up.

I think the effects haven't fully seeped in. Feel as though my whole world is shaken thinking how life would be without people to look up to and gain motivation from. I can't depend on her to cover up our mistakes anymore, can't take bus rides with her anymore, can't rant about the same stuff again. It's goodbye to the very people who have been with us since we entered the band from sec 1. It's ironic seeing our shelter being ripped off one by one, until there's no more.

And then again, we'll be strong enough to withstand the oncoming storms yea? (: Haha wanted to talk about some aluminium nonsense about rusting on the outside layer only, and being strong on the inside but nvm I think I'll just disgust other ppl with my chem. >< Hm we are and will be a strong harbour and strong anchor for the batches below us. Yes one year left to fight for success. Go us. Aja-aja-hoi-ting!

Can't deny that I have doubts over __. Can't deny that I keep worrying about the communication problems between __. Can't deny that we are really not really there yet in terms of __. Can't deny that our juniors' attitudes get us worried. But we will find that resolution! Okay sharon please slog out your very best for this last chance to serve the band. Ahh yes let's be hardworking worker bees filled with pride and commitment (:

This is it, my batch.

Going overboard

2006-05-01T02:55:00.000-07:00

It's been two months since I last posted.
Well actually I did post, but I happily saved all in draft. heh

July Comp:

http://www.worldmusicprojects.com/nbc2006/

I think we've got a lot to learn from TKSS military band. Hehe it's so amusing, they actually get to KICK people out of the CCA for not coming for practices. I'm glad I rushed to sign up so we're watching them at SYF opening ceremony. (Btw do remind me to check how the ppl hold their euphos when they're not playing! impt*)

I think I found out why I refuse to accept any religion at all. Truth is, I don't want to have something in which I can fall back on, or rather think I can fall back on whenever I have troubles. If I am afraid, I want to believe in my soul, believe in myself I can do it, yeps almost like a training ground for my spirit. Being dependent on someone comes with terms, and I certainly don't want to have to succumb to all that a sole religion teaches, and close my doors to anything else that other religions may have to offer, or lose to ability to filter what is being taught because of binding obligations. Just to note, it doesn't mean that those who are religious are anything to the opposite though (:

Seven

2006-04-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

Seven random facts about me
1. I procrastinate a lot when I'm stressed
2. I am an introvert (at least according to the test I did)
3. I am the shortest in my immediate family, for now
4. I used to have boils on my head/ knee/ skin
5. I can be critical.
6. I want to save money!
7. I don't like to wake up late in the morning

Seven celebrity crushes
Um I don't crush celebrities.

Seven qualities I want in a potential boyfriend/girlfriend:
1. Mature
2. Understanding
3. Caring
4. Has consistent self-motivation/ self-drive
5. Principled
6. Down-to-earth
7. Does not flirt with others

Seven things that scare me:
1. Bad dreams
2. Unnatural spirits
3. Murder
4. Body organs do not function/ develop properly
5. Sudden poking
6. Rats/ Snakes/ Potentially deadly animals
7. Disturbing/ hurting others unintentionally

Seven random songs at the moment:
1. Miss Saigon
2. Beauty and the beast
3. Do-Re-Mi
4. Wings of freedom
5. I believe I can fly
6. Prince of Egypt (there can be miracles (: )
7. Keep a song ringing in your heart

Seven things I like the most:
1. Playing my instrument
2. Playing in RGSSB
3. A heartfelt smile and encouragement
4. Relaxing
5. Being on task
6. Empathy; Putting ourselves into other ppl's shoes
7. Hope

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. watch and listen to really pro euphonium player/s play in front of my eyes (cadenza yea yea!)
2. play my instrument like the professional players
3. excel in my studies
4. build a fulfilling career and family life
5. tour temperate countries and feel real big showers of snow
6. master Hokkien and Malay, if possible relearn Japanese
7. be at peace with the world; learn yoga

Seven things I say the most:
1. um yah
2. yah okay
3. uh huh
4. i will
5. sorry
6. thank you
7. excuse me

seven people i want to do this too:
1. batch 07
2. (also within 1) divya
3. (also within 1) qian wei
4. (also within 1) serena
5. my sister
6. hong chuan
7. people not mentioned above

Cadenza 10

2006-03-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

I suppose this will be a long(er) post.

Hm recently read that we cannot motivate people no matter how much we want, motivation is something that is self-initiated, self-generated. And all we can do is create the setting for them to motivate themselves.

Sigh am I losing my self-identity nowadays trying to be friendly to others, and hm trying to gain motivation from them or vice-versa or what. Why do I still smile and wave and try to cheer up sb else, try to let everybody feel good and ready to work, when I just let out the pressure at home. Imagine a build-up build-up build-up in the pressure cooker, then kaboom when your brother starts squashing your cake with his fingers, you just scold at him and behave like some gangster threatening about not letting him off the next time. Then she comes in and starts scolding you for being horrible, immature, selfish, and some very irksome hokkien word (for not sharing the cake). Intolerable. Hoho yes and getting blamed for having too much stuff at hand, and not wanting to go sao3 mu4 and visit our grandparents, when in actual fact you just don't want to continue getting scolded in the car, and yes get criticized again in front of my aunt/ others just in case I explode again. Hai, who doesn't want to go sao3 mu4? It's once in a year and I missed the last one, oh well you just don't don't don't understand.
I suppose this, in their words, would just be another paragraph for self-defense.

It's 5+ more days. I'm still believing, I hope we all are (: . Hm and its no more point trying to "manipulate" others to think positive, and even start turning fake. The motivation's got to come from deep within ourselves. Maybe it's just my inituition, it really doesn't help talking bad about them, yes natural response or not, it'd just pull our morales down even more, and cause us to become somebody we wouldn't want to be. Haha I think I just lack tactic in communicating with others lah.

The sun's still up, yes even if it isn't, the stars will guide us at night (:.
Yes we will make him smile!
Yes I'll make sure I don't go out of tune for everything, and yes hold my notes properly for that part, slur and tongue nicely, keep proper timing and BLEND into the music. (note terminology: music)

And yes, I hope one day I get to experience the nice feeling of no pressure binding me at all.
Btw, carrying home my instru by public transport makes me empathize with the handicapped. Arghh. -fumes at lousy bus drivers-

Finally!

2006-03-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

Finally finally finally! Please say hello to our much-awaited March holidays (:

Hai I wonder why we all get so nervous before a presentation, even when we tell ourselves there's practically nothing to worry about. It's probably the lack of presentation style that stole our gold for zero carbon. Haha the evidence? The RI group after us talked as though they were ready to enter parliament (yea can imagine their "sophisticated" talk) with a mere 5 slides and no experiments about how to solve Birmingham's high electrical consumption, and got a gold. -stares-

Anw, you know chronic stress has gotten into you when you start to fall sick, trying to rest at every short break, use a pen and knock against the table in quavers, triplets, semiquavers, start singing concert songs at random, and do weirdo breathing exercises to relieve pressure, and ahem inevitably ahem disturbing the person sitting next to you. Haha. The irony is that there are so many things that you (have to) prioritize on top of the proper indiv times to do it rightfully.

The day before he was sitting on the steps watching them play instead of conducting and always first to clap once the songs ended. Just how much more can we disappoint him? We don't care enough (yet), to even justify the increase in his no. of white hairs.

Okay enough, let's just get down to work.
But you know indiv never gets anywhere unless you force yourself to relax, play and enjoy the music, and Sharon, please just stop frowning.

Cadenza

2006-02-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

I think my family provides very good motivation for practising (no sarcasm). One refuses to come for the concert, whilst others dismiss my buzzing as "very irritating farting". My mum makes me mad (all alliteration!) when she keeps claiming the eupho is bleh, when it's just an excuse to say rather that my playing is ugh (haha there isn't even any more worse-meaning proper vocabulary to represent the state).

Today's indiv was productive. Not only did it not disturb my family since I was practising out of the upstairs window, ~~(it disturbed my neighbours and conflicted with the funeral on the other side of the street-- i'm very sorry)~~, it also brings on a lot of love for band music again (:. It is like one of the rarer times nowadays when I play out and actually get moved by the tune.

It's not that I don't know, it's not that I don't care. All I want is to believe in it working right.

Rush

2006-02-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

Mid-week was rush, rush and more rush, lack of sleep, lack of time. Hai MSN even adopted a new use: pure project work discussion for zerocarbon. Anw I unconsciously slept my way through assembly today under bright light, until Jas poked me when I was about to knock into the person in front, but I did feel much more energetic after that. And to imagine that there is still more stuff to battle and finish up, including the need to squeeze out time for a proper daily piano-practising routine. 58 more days, how inviting. Emotions, tone, volume, dynamics, triplets, long breaths, accents etc. = my playing is barely there. Hm even if we reach the so-called standard already, there's always something more to improve, it's just a matter of our perception of targets/ goals.

Why am I rattling off again? Somehow the drive for speed-completion always ends up making ppl not think fully before speaking. I'm really sorry if I have passed rather inappropriate remarks or rather haphazard conversations these days, will try to talk more sensibly. Human relations are so tedious because every one we meet is different hence we can never put a generalization on how to treat them. sigh.

Anyway I think it's still better to be optimistic. I will survive (: And so will all of us.
Btw, the solution plans to the problems I mentioned in the last post are hindered by uncompleted typing, hope it gets done soon.

Enjoy Thaipusam! (haha divya is going to walk around with milk jars over her head)

Memoirs of a geisha

2006-01-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

(addition) Hate pissing/ putting off people by talking too much. Really hate it. Wtvr I must change it in time for the new year. Screw me, change!

This was a bad week, yeps except for yesterday's hilarious movie. I think the school will make us relearn public etiquette by any (very likely) chance that the other cinema-goers complain about our um awfully loud and out-of-spot laughing. But still, it isn't our fault that Memoirs of the Geisha comes up with disgusting -censored- scenes that makes us think of PG-13/ NT-13 no teenagers under 13, has funny geisha names like pumpkin, or even a young girl chasing after a man that is 2/3 times her age. And it doesn't help to have GL laughing and saying gross all the time next to me, with her sweater as our protection against unsightly scenes -.-

Hm it's easy to break a routine, but it takes a much longer time to get back on the routine, because every time we try again, we have to muster up enough plan and determination to break away from our lazying condition and the idea that our planned routine is tiring. Maybe we could build a concrete routine through long-term practice, such that life feels uncomfortable without it, and constantly remind ourselves of our goals and task-fulfillment. Yea.

I don't like the way we decide without really considering both good and bad consequences of something, mapping out the aftermath, or how to ensure the wellness of both parties if the decision is final, and coming up with a best solution. Hm isn't that the way to be? Maybe all of us need to learn how to put aside our previous/ current opinions/ emotions, or whatever gossips we've heard before to be fair and effective. Actually I wonder if I'm even in a position to comment, but it really feels bad seeing the prospect of something ending up without a proper closure and hanging with loose ends. I think we have to cross some bridges to change the situation, but just let me have some time to think how to do it.

Happy Chinese New Year!
and don't forget my red packet money :p

After OBS

2006-01-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

OBS didn't make me realize, but reminded me that:
It's tough looking at my rashes, cuts, bruises, bites and resisting the scary spine-chilling feeling.
It's tough not being critical, and accepting/ loving every one as they are.
It's tough knowing I'm going to have/ take juniors, and having to face all the pressure about pushing/ moving myself and others along.
It's tough facing familiar yet distant faces; the irony of one divided family.
And yet I'm going to conquer them well and pull ourselves together(:

Maybe I still don't understand why people want to get sth just for the sake of getting sth, maybe I do, just that I don't want to know how ppl can get along not feeling for the responsibilities/ connections below that sth, if I'm not seeing wrongly. "You cannot love or hate sth about another person unless it reflects sth you love or hate about yourself"-from The Rules For Being Human

I'm sorry I may sound incoherent, but it makes sense to me now haha. Um after-effects of still floating on the sea maybe?

Wasted passion

2006-01-10T02:02:00.000-08:00

Ha, it feels disgustingg when we have this maddening passion for sth that melts into wasted, unused energy because there's no chance to work for it, yeps the feeling of having no job for me to serve/ contribute my best effort which I really want to.

Ah well, I think I should attempt to divert my passion to my KPT (kinetic particle theory) worksheets -.- which I remotely rmb ourselves doing in sec 1, And sec 2. Okay, let's compare the similarities/ differences btwn solids/liquids, liquids/gases and solids/gases.. -.- -.-

"Unity comes naturally if people truly care for each other" -Ms Foo
"One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve" -Albert Schweitzer (which was shamelessly ripped from the student hand book haha)
~~"I am EVIL" (hm tsktsk english lessons)~~
Hm how true.

P.S. when was my cbox converted into a trading market for fruits? >.<

Respect

2006-01-03T04:35:00.001-08:00

I figured out what I'm really losing now is respect and sensibility. Respect for others when they're speaking, respect for myself, and I'm not thinking as much as I used to. (yeps I need to find the balance between extroversion and introversion) In any case, I need to make more sensible talk, rather than crappy nonsense.

Haha it's weird, and funny, how I'm so easily skewed by my environment, by the presence of any role model/ respected figure? Reminds me of primary school when we had all this mo2 fan4 sheng1 story. Uh so do we mimick after our role models, in terms of actions and/or thinking, or do we just take them for reference to check our behaviour.

Hm it sounded wrong when I said the words "I'll let you go first", and when I thought about it, it really was wrong. An unintended undertone I guess? And I'm really sorry to the person I said that to (you probably should know who you are). Sigh to my manner of expression, in fact I really don't know what to feel.

P.S. My grandma can't walk now (and is feeling down abt it) cos the operation costs a bomb, and I don't know whether the low success rate thing is true or if it's my mother's white lie. So my new year resolution is to learn Hokkien, and yeps my sis and I have decided to make a cheer up card in the mean time. Bless us.

I think I like my class haha up till now, and hopefully we'll like our class more and more through our two years together. 302'06 (:

An unlucky day

2005-12-27T23:09:00.000-08:00

It's always such a wonderful thing to go out with my sis.

First we took 105, which we thought would turn into Wisma Atria, yeps that obviously doesn't. So we landed ourselves at Wheelock Place (thanks Nancy/ Sherry for telling us that anw (: ), and walked back to Orchard MRT. Took some time buying stationery at Popular, and not buying contact lenses solution in the end because it doesn't come in packs at Watsons.

Hoho, lunch comes. In my attempt to save money, I didn't buy anything to eat. Then my sister flashed out this tissue pack from ahem knows where, that had this 50cents promotion for a drink. I went to buy and wonderfully flashed the tissue pack at the lady, who had a "huh?!" look, and claimed it isn't on offer anymore. Asked her for the price of Ice Lemon Tea, so she told me $1.40, which I was 5cents short. So I had to leave the queue. When I got back to the seat, my sis realised the offer was due on 30th november -.-.

That's not all. We went on the mrt from orchard, and I thought that we should drop at Somerset to take 65 home, rather than changing trains and taking another bus. So we did that. And after crossing the road, and waiting at the hot bus-stop for 15-20 mins, we resigned to the fate that 65 might have changed its route. And to relieve our tired feet, we went to BK and squandered some money on drinks there. Came back and decided to take mrt again. And guess what? 65 was stopping right at the traffic light we were crossing right after passing the bus stop. Ack.. The only good thing was, we managed to rush into the Marina train after battling with a few gruelling moments of walking behind a group of slower aunties. Oh yeps, I need to thank my walking stick aka plastic wrapper for helping us to survive.

Yay, I managed to get home. And at the end, you know what? I haven't taken lunch, at 5. -.- Thanks and pls do not remind me of the time my sis and I got lost around Bras Basah Road (aka bras besar road coughcough) after buying stuff at Plaza Sing.

I think I have talked enough. Thankyou.

Being ourselves

2005-12-22T02:07:00.000-08:00

I don't like becoming who I don't want to be.
So I'm desperately trying to shoo myself back on track again and again.
Yes I can attain and maintain that character. I can, I can.
Shh, keep quiet sharon.

When can we stop following other's footsteps and style?
Or is it just my imagination?

Happy dong1zhi4 anw!

Respect vs Distance

2005-12-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging! (okay shush everybody about a dead blog ><) Took rather long to post cos guess this post will start the trend of my blogging style, and still am pretty scarred by the horrible past addiction. hmm How do we balance avoiding influence from others whilst being respectful? Shutting my ears to the nagging, or shutting my mind from the times she pushed us to work for the bad Ps? ~~I still believe that I'll be throwing myself into the lion's den if I try to persuade her.~~ But the ironic thing is the more we detest sth, the more we take notice of it, and the more we learn from it. And I know sound waves can still pass through no matter how I try to shut them. Ignore it and unconsciously absorb it all? Maybe I just need more determination to stop all unconscious followings. Mmm

On the other hand, I found Parade of the Wooden Soldiers -- Piano version :D. It's quite different from the band score though, with lyrics and all. It's a christmas song too, which was why I happened to find it. Haha. This reminds me of my cousins' visit to Orchard Road and the fake snow. So cheater can, we played it when we were young then we had to bathe in soap bubbles.. -.- Fond memories of the old days, but yeps let's be optimistic about the future.

Just visited my grandma at the hospital. Hope her legs can recover soon for christmas(: ! (haha not like she celebrates it but nvm)

Introduction

2005-12-12T01:38:00.001-08:00

Hm, finally returning to the blogging scenes after one year++ hiatus. still feel it's better for me to actually "talk" to ppl rather than um rant at my diary.

Yeps, today's the official opening ceremony (haha, when i reveal my new blog). 12/12/05 and one month to my birthday (yes you know what to do).

Shall deal with the random stuff sometime later. bye (:

test

2005-11-26T01:23:00.000-08:00

i am testing